Stay
by singsongyylove
Summary: [HUDDY SONGFIC] PrincetonPlainsboro Teaching Hospital, you’ve made me is that one thing that is incurable. You’ve changed me forever, and maybe I’m in no position to regret it, but believe me, I do. You, you have made me lonely. [Stay by Alison Krauss]


I thought this would be an interesting point of view to explore.

PPTH doesn't belong to me, nor do the little people inside. I don't own the song "Stay" either.

* * *

Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, what have you made me become? A haggler, a liar, full of bribery and freshly spun webs of deception? A phony, a hypocrite, hiding beneath a film of excuses in vain? Proud and self-righteous? Ignorant and ill-mannered? No, worse than that. What you've made me is that one thing that is incurable. You've changed me forever, and maybe I'm in no position to regret it, but believe me, I do. 

You, you have made me lonely. In all your wickedness, you have isolated me. For fifteen years, fifteen long years, I have had not a single friend and not one lover. You have left me with nothing but acquaintances with money. All the people I had are lost. The girlfriends I once went out for carefree lunch breaks with have erased me from their phone books for getting the busy signal one too many times. The few dates I've had have become worthless one night stands due to my craving for closeness. My bed is empty but for me and my thoughts. You, the one thing I aimed for my whole existence, have torn me apart and made yourself the only thing present in my life.

Why doesn't anyone notice? You might ask. Why doesn't anyone care about your loneliness? Ah, this is also a fault of yours, my precious piece of gold. You have turned my face into a mask, my voice into a recording. Each person I meet sees me this way. Confident, I sound, oh so very confident. I seem happy and so sure of myself. Someone so charming would have thousands of friends, and though one would love to be a friend as well, they assume I'm far to busy to deal with the likes of them. This dinner date is just her being kind, says the woman I invited to talk on Friday night. She's not looking for a relationship, she's looking for a fling, says the man I met online. Oh lord, if they only knew how wrong they were. I haven't loved or been loved in fifteen years. Fifteen long years.

So you are all I have left. A building. An idea. People trying to help people. Me, just me, trying to help people. Trying to create a perfect world. Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, you are the only thing left in me after you grew like a poisonous fungus in my heart, eating anything else that happened to occupy that space.

And here he comes, born of you, the bane of my very existence. The doctor who steals things, breaks things, and ignores my every warning is strolling into my office again. Today, he isn't wearing his impious grin, that smile that warns me of another ludicrous plan. Today, he wears a curious face, a face I haven't seen in a long while.

You see, here's the thing about him you may not know, even though you've housed him for many years. Him and I, we had something once. He was kind once. Kind to me, at least. He cared about me and I cared about him. And after not seeing him for a long while, we stumbled across each other again. But this was after you had taken over me and after he had been turned to cold stone. He never wore that curious, caring face anymore. We've found a new way to deal with each other, as you know well. This face that he's wearing today is one that I haven't seen in a long, long time, and I don't know where to go, because when he wears this face it's like he's a whole different person, not the one you've learned to cherish. He's responsible, respectable, and though he still dishes out sarcasm like scrambled eggs, he's almost gentle. This foreign man is almost thoughtful. Where has he been and why has he decided to show up today?

_Where have you been, my long lost friend?  
__It's good to see you again  
__Come and sit for a while, I've missed your smile  
__Today, the past is goodbye_

He plops down in a chair and looks at me with sky blue eyes that hold my gaze with an iron grip. Not even you could predict what he would say, this man who I thought would never return. This man who I once enjoyed the company of. And here he goes, my lovely, he's about to speak. About to say words that will, without a doubt, shatter all my perceptions of this particular doctor.

"Have you given up?"

Is this a rhetorical question? What is he referring to? Have I given up? Given up on what? Have I given up on finishing these patient records on my desk by tonight? Yes. Have I given up on convincing Nurse Pritchett to stop kicking the vending machines? Yes. Or is this something more general? Have I given up on life, rather?

You could say that.

"Given up on what?"

"Trying to get pregnant."

_Time can't erase  
__A lover's embrace_

Oh lord, I never should have involved him in that whole ordeal. He was very low key about the whole thing, but knowing anything about my personal life just sets him off into a world of curiosity. Thank god I didn't end up asking him to father my child because, whew! That just would have been a whole new ball game. But he sounds like he honestly cares. Does he? Is he really concerned for my well-being?

Doubtful, but I've been fooled before. One more trap of his couldn't hurt that bad. You know how he is, he gets a kick out of bothering me for a day or two and then we both forget and move on. I'll bite.

"I guess that's what you would call it. I would say that I just am not meant to be a mother."

Tell me why I'm saying this. The man I once cared for is back, looking so kind, and he's hypnotizing me. You, my one child, have made me tough, but his eyes of bleu clair turn me into an open book. Have you ever seen me like this? You could look at me and stare right at my very soul.

"If you want something, you shouldn't give up on it."

Haha, right. He's Mr. Philosophical all of a sudden. How should he know? He's lived dwelling in his misery all his days. You can see that. How should he know how to live my life? And why is he being kind to me? Why has he changed today?

"It's not something I want anymore."

_Can't you hear it a calling?  
__A new day dawning  
__You were longing to find_

I'm standing now. Looking away from him, because I know he can see through my mask and my prerecorded voice. Staring out through your glass panes, all I see is white. A fine snowstorm has packed itself against your walls.

And I know you're wondering; how did it happen? How was this nutty doctor once a man of my desires, and how could I have let him go if he could read me so well? I suppose that was just the issue. He could see right through me. He could see exactly how I felt, exactly what I wanted, exactly what I thought. And he began to do anything to make me happy. You can still see how well he knows me. He can still tell everything. When I'm truly mad rather than just attempting to be intimidating. If I'm pleased or if I'm upset. If I'm feeling ambitious or if I'm in need of a break.

Well, I couldn't watch him work so hard anymore to keep me happy. It felt like he wasn't even trying to love me anymore, only to entertain me. He was still himself, but his detail oriented mind took over him. He wanted to be the best, when I just wanted something that felt raw, not like a blockbuster romantic comedy. I regretted it when he left, and I still hold onto some of that sometimes, but that just had to end. That couldn't be my life anymore.

You see, I had my one shot to let him love me again and maybe we could have fixed what was wrong and maybe I wouldn't be this way. Lonely. But I didn't take my one shot. And that's why I deserve this loneliness I feel. I need it, because I'm better off this way. Just you and me. Me and my busy, busy hospital, keeping me alive.

_Love's taken you far away from my arms  
__And I've been here all along  
__Have you eyes to failed to find  
__What took you from mine?  
__A vision that's faded through time_

"What do you want?"

He's standing right behind me. I can feel it. What is he asking now? What I want? What I want with my life? I don't know. I can't want anything more. I got what I wanted. I wanted to rise to the top. I wanted you, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. I wanted to be in charge. And now I am. I got all that I ever told myself I wanted, and so now my turn on Santa's lap is over. I'm not allowed to want anymore.

"I don't."

"Yes you do. You just try to convince yourself that you have everything that you want."

There it is; I told you. He knows me too well. Why won't he leave me alone? What does he want from me?

"What do you want me to say? What are you trying to prove?"

I've turned towards him; my voice is louder, higher. He's closer than I expected. No more than a foot away. Looking at the one thing I've regretted right in the face, I felt a few things I probably should not feel towards the particular person I was looking at.

_You sailed away  
__A fine summer's day_

"What do you want?"

"Why do you care all of a sudden?"

"You still love me."

Ahaha, who is this? Sherlock Holmes? He may know me well, but that's a bit of a stretch. Still love him? Maybe if there was still some of him left to love. Maybe if his little change of personality wasn't just for today.

"Huh. Right. That's what this is. My feelings for you. Who do you think you are?"

"You have very few secrets from me. But I need to know what you want."

Why do his questions have to be so loaded? His eyes. They're hypnotizing me again. You know me best, tell me what I want. I can't tell him anymore lies. He knows all my lies. You, the only thing I have left, you know what I want. What do I want?

"I want things to be different."

_Can't__ you hear it a calling?  
__A new day dawning  
__You were longing to find_

"Do you want to try again?"

"Try what?"

"Us."

Of course, he's left me speechless again. He does that a lot, it seems. So, my darling, you know best what I want. Tell me, do I want to try "us" again? You, you took my whole life and raised it so that I was a different person altogether. I haven't had time for anything else but you. Would I even know how to have anything else? Would you retract your claim on my heart and let something else in?

"It's been a long time."

"All the better for things to be different."

Answer me this, can I do this? How do I break out of my shell? You made me lonely. Could I stand not to be lonely anymore? He's still dangerously close, and I'm feeling his warm breath on my face. I have to say yes or no.

"You don't have to try so hard."

"I'll try not to try."

Have I just ever-so-subtly agreed to love him again? Has he ever-so-subtly agreed to keep this man of respectable virtues around for good? What now? How can we begin again? Will he really be the man I once loved tomorrow? And the day after that?

We simply stand, looking into each other's eyes. So close that I could almost hear the blood rush through his veins. He lets me think. What can I say?

_There is a way to make you stay  
__Darling, don't turn away  
__Don't doubt your heart  
__And keep us apart  
__I'm right where you are  
__Stay_

"Shhh," he says, touching me for the first time. A single finger pressed against my lips.

"I didn't say anything."

"You were thinking too hard."

"What am I supposed to do?"

I'm suddenly silenced by something soft and strong replacing the finger against my lips. I can't feel my body, I can't feel my thoughts. His lips feel like flames against mine, reflexively I run my hands against his jaw, and I return the kiss. This feeling is better than any feeling that I can remember. You! How could you have left me from this for all these years? My crazy little hospital, you kept my heart cold. It's as if with one touch, he's melted away all the snow around me. So here's what I have to ask you; can I let him in? Will you let my loneliness end?

Oh God, I want it to.

_There is a way to make you stay  
__Darling, don't turn away  
__Don't doubt your heart  
__And keep us apart  
__I'm right where you are  
__Stay_


End file.
